Lazy Summer Days

My alarm rings, I reluctantly tear off my eye mask and attempt to wake myself up. If the bright sunlight pouring in through the curtains doesn't do the trick, then I reach for my phone and play some John Legend or Black Eyed Peas, in order to bribe my brain into waking up enough to sing along. During the winter, the smell of hot oatmeal in the rice cooker is enough to get me up. But during the summer, I can't fathom the thought of anything hot, since I feel as if I'm slowly cooking throughout the night. Yet, sleeping with the air conditioning feels too cold; it's not hot enough for that just yet. I don't know why, ask my hypothalamus (I had to google what controls our body temperature haha)... Just a typical summer "rise and shine".

School's out for summer, so there aren't many kids cycling to school. They'll come out to play later, but if they're not wearing their uniforms, I wouldn't be able to recognize most of them anyways. Since there aren't any classes, there is no morning staff meeting, so I don't need to arrive early. I can roll in at a comfortable hour of 8:30AM. The extra ten minutes allow me to see some of the post 8:20AM action in the neighborhood around my school. The other day, I discovered a small group of senior ladies that gather in a small residential street to do radio taiso (calisthenics) together. Everyone and their mom (and their grandma) in Japan know how to do radio taiso. It's a radio broadcast exercise routine first introduced in 1928, later banned at the end of WWII for being too reminiscent of the military, and then modified and reintroduced in 1951. If you tune in to the NHK channel at 6:15AM, you'll be able to follow along and have your try at radio taiso. They teach it at school, and some employers have their employees do it together to build company morale. And these senior ladies in my school's neighborhood start their morning with some radio calisthenics, though if they are anything like my grandparents, they have been awake for hours. I wish I could capture the moment into a jar, in order to call upon it whenever I wanted to: the background music, the old women synchronized in their movements, the charming little street and the rice field nearby. Just a typical summer morning in the neighborhood.

I arrive at school, and about half of the teachers are here. Some are on vacation. A few students trickle in and out, partaking in club activities or extra lessons. It's quiet all day, and I sometimes roam the school looking for clubs to visit and students to talk to. I think the broadcasting club now expects my visit every afternoon. Although I think the teachers are not as busy during the summer, they sure seem just as busy. They are pros at this. I feel bad for interrupting their work if they are genuinely busy, but I try to practice my Japanese with them whenever I can. Just a typical summer day in the office...

Today, an English teacher asked me if I must come to school everyday. I let out a sigh and said, "yes, the Board of Education mandates it." She gave me a knowing look and apologetic smile. Don't worry ma'am, it's not your fault. Sigh. I tell her of my plan to clean and rid the LL room of boxes of old stickers that no longer stick, yellow paged magazines, and other English relics of the past. But that's not until next week. I know I sound like a slacker, but there's only so much lesson planning you can do without an active teaching experience with live feedback. And teaching English conversation is all about feedback. I open my Japanese textbook and attempt to study, but I'm not fooling anyone, my longing gaze aimed outside the window speaks for itself... I think I'll just doze off and dream of my summer plans =)

These are lazy summer days, and not the kind I prefer...

ZunigaS in Japan! (In case you didn't get it, emphasis is on the "s"!)

Airports always make me so emotional. It's a place of farewells and a place of reunions, may they be joyful or melancholic, and I always have to fight back the tears as I make my way through one.

Last night, as I was waiting for my parents, memories of my arrival in Japan flooded my head. I remembered how scared I had been, how reluctantly I had boarded the plane, and how excited I had pretended to be. I can only start to admit now that my heart wasn't into coming here. Resistant to the experience, but reluctant to step down from a challenge. Stubborn, stubborn me. I think the guest speaker at orientation saved me. I don't remember his exact phrasing, but I remember his message clearly, "...and some of you might be holding back tears as you're sitting there, wondering why you're not as excited as everyone else." Yep, that was me alright, and it comforted me to know that I wasn't the only one.

But I made it. And am so happy I came! And I have fallen in love with this place, and my students, and I am so glad I decided to recontract. This complete 180 reminds me of something a sociology professor once said about experience, "the more you resist, the harder you fall." Touche. I cringe to think of how much I would have missed out on if I hadn't taken the risk and made myself come. And now, now I get to share the experience with my parents and sister!!!!!

No matter the happy ending, I still get homesick. I still miss my family. And I still have to swallow emotions of longing for things far away. I realize how good I have gotten at repressing certain emotions, and good riddance, because they are feelings that will never go away, so I just have to learn how to deal with them.

Such feelings threatened to spill over as I waited for my parents. As I thought of every trip I have ever taken, of every trip I will ever take, and of the time I spend away from them. I see a recurring theme in my choice of adventure...

But now, it's a moment where everything pays off. Where I can show them around, share my favorites that I always rave about, and take them to places they never imagined they would be seeing. Growing up, my parents never imagined they would be visiting Japan, and now here they are, visiting their daughter who lives here. Life works in mysterious ways. A little mystery is good, yes.

So now, let the good times begin! Can't wait to see their reactions and hear their thoughts about life in Japan. I have gotten used to most things, so it'll be entertaining to relive the "fresh off the plane" perspective. I'll try my best to write them down and share them on here later.

And for those of you wondering why I'm blogging and not spending time with the family, it's because I had to go to work this morning, even though my work for the school semester is done. I have to use my nenkyuu (days off) strategically among the trips we have planned. Oh Japanese bureaucracy...

Why can't we have unlimited nenkyuu during the summer? :p

Rudy and Jannet, I wish you were here, too.

がんばりましょう！

As they say in Japan, tomorrow we “fight”. Some of my friends and I will be testing our Japanese language skills during a four hour test. Yeah, uh, we are really looking forward to it... sigh. Whereas they will be fighting in the Japanese sense (trying their best), I might literally be fighting the test. I'll explain...

One of my goals when arriving last July was to learn Japanese. I knew it was going to be hard, but a silly little part of me hoped that I would pick it up through osmosis. WRONG. Come on, Kelly... you know better than that! You're a nerd at heart, but you know that you didn't dance your way through school, so why should things change now?

I'm hopelessly optimistic sometimes, that's why. And I loved being able to take a break from studying, and I loved being able to explore other interests that had been pushed aside by the reading lists on my university syllabi. I had tasted freedom, and I loved it.

Yet, halfway through my time here, I realized that I was straying from the goal I had set. And more importantly, I felt (and still feel) that I was missing out on some important cultural aspects by not being able to speak Japanese. Therefore, I started being more diligent about studying, and it started to pay off when I could understand bits and pieces of people's conversations around me. Joy, joy, joy!

Around January, I realized that I was still lacking major motivation. I wasn't being consistent about studying. It didn't take me long to figure out what it was: like many others, I work well with deadlines. No, let me rephrase that... like many other procrastinators, I need deadlines to complete tasks. Nothing gets me working faster than eustress and the fear of failure. So, I decided that I would sign up for the JLPT (Japanese Language Proficiency Test) to motivate me to study. In March, I picked up the application and signed up for level 4. At last, I had found the motivation I needed!

When I first signed up for the test, I realized that I was way behind schedule for passing the test. Yet, the overly optimistic person in me pushed me to study, study and study. At around May, I looked at the material I had to cover, evaluated my free time and my studying habits, and realized that I had a very, very slim chance of passing. However, I kept on going... Why? Well, my main reason for signing up for the test (and paying the large test fee) was to motivate me to study. So if I stopped studying, because all odds were against me, then I would have defeated the purpose of signing up for the test in the first place...

At the beginning of June, the hopeless optimist in me still wanted to cram months of studying into one month. So I worked diligently for about two weeks, and halfway through the month, the realist in me took over. She kicked aside that little optimist. She realized that I had a semester of English lessons to conclude at schools, an itinerary to plan for my family's upcoming trip to Japan, and friends to start saying goodbye to (don't leaaaavvvveee!).

So for the last two weeks, I have been doing all of the above, but also taking care to review some of the things I've learned. After all, I don't want to spoil my progress thus far. And in the end, my goal for learning Japanese isn't about passing any darn test, it's about being able to communicate with people. And those deadlines will come up at the end of every conversation with a Japanese person; I guarantee it!

So I'm sorry to disappoint you, my little hopeless optimist, but just know that you do push me to work harder, and strive for things out my reach. You always have, and you always will. And in doing that, I achieve more than if I didn't believe at all.

As for tomorrow, I am stressing out a little. I hate going into tests unprepared, and I can't remember the last time I went into a test knowing that I wasn't going to pass. It's an alien, novel feeling and I don't like it. I'll have to remind myself of this feeling when my motivation tries to flee me in the future...

So there you have it, a general picture of my little love-hate relationship with studying Japanese.

Good luck to all my amazing friends that have powered through and WILL pass tomorrow. Of course, Kelly the hopeless optimist believes in you, but Kelly the realist knows you will pass, too.　がんばりましょうね！And I apologize beforehand if I do start fighting my exam materials halfway through the exam...

お休みなさい.