“You are always on my mind. All I do is count the days. Where are you now?”
Lately, I can really relate to those three lines of Alicia Keys's song “Distance and Time”. Though Miss Keys dedicates it to all the lovers separated by distance and time, I dedicate it to all my loved ones far away. I wish I could be in so many places at once, and with so many people at the same time. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but sometimes it distracts me from living in the present time, moment and place. All desires aside, the fact is that I cannot be everywhere at once. So instead of mourning the impossible, I write to connect with people and places. I write messages and emails to people at home, I write on this blog, and I write letters.
Some people have commented on how slow and old-fashioned snail mail is. I half agree with that statement; some letters I've sent have arrived in a week. And maybe they are a bit old-fashioned, but the handwritten letter has personality. My letters have personality: mine and yours. To begin with, choosing the perfect card and stationary takes time. I love it when I glance at a card display and know within seconds that a certain card belongs in the hands of a special person on my list. However, more often than not, I have a hard time choosing. There are just sooo many cards and stationary sets that could make someone on my list very happy. I wish I could buy them all, but for the sake of the trees, I don't. Well, not really.... I'd trade my post-it obsession for a card obsession if that were the case. (Just to clarify though, I am pretty adamant about recycling and such. :p ) Rather, I'd question my budgeting skills if I spent too much money on cards.
Once I have chosen my paper and pen, the writing process begins. This takes longer than everything else put together. Maybe it's because I type on a keyboard and phone pad more than I handwrite, but writing by hand takes so long....more than I remember! I've tried to write all letters at one time, but I can't get past seven letters at a time. The letter writing happens in waves. Finally, taking the letters to the post office requires planning ahead, or sometimes means going during my lunch break and returning to the staffroom soaked in rain (like today).
“I know I'll never let you down. I will never go away.”
I always promise the people I love that I will stand by them, and yet it seems that I always go away. (Classic struggle of physical vs. emotional). I know that my friends and family want me to be happy, and sometimes that requires leaving on an adventure. I love to see new places. I love to meet new people. I love to experience something different. And, distance is a state of mind after all. Yes it is, but sometimes we can trick ourselves into being distant when the physical distance is great. This usually starts with failing to keep in touch. I haven't figured out how to avoid this dilemma, but I can feel my heart trying to when my daily choices are affected by someone far away, or when the slightest detail reminds me of someone special. I love it when thinking of someone at home makes a bad day better. Just knowing that the person would know exactly what to say reassures me. I hope I return the favor in some way. So, please know that I write to reassure you that I will never go away, contrary to how you may feel.
“I really wish that you would stay but what can we do, all the days that you've been gone I dream about you, and I anticipate the day that you will come home, home, home.”
Yes, home is California. But home is also two cities in California: Reseda and Los Angeles. Home is also France. And home is now also Japan. Home is mainly where my heart is, or has been, or continues to intersect with my experiences. So how do I deal with these feelings of belonging? You know those cards and letters you send me through the mail? Or those messages that you send to me online? Opening them feels like home. When you take the time to write to me, it's like I'm home. And when we see each other after a long time, it's like I never left home. So you see, I will never go away =)
That is why I love writing to people, and why it's a horrible feeling to lose touch with someone. Sometimes you let distance affect you. You may go from seeing a person everyday to seeing them once a year, or once every two years. You go so long without talking to him or her, and the more time that passes, the harder it is to get back into the same groove. The longer the delay, the more you fear that you will not be compatible with that person. So, you might distance yourself to create a buffer between incompatibility. The distance protects you from having to redefine a relationship. The distance allows you to hold on to what the relationship was like. And if you do manage to reconnect with someone special, there are usually two outcomes. IF you're lucky, you realize that regardless of any changes, you are still compatible in your desire to care for each other. Sadly, we sometimes find that we have grown too far apart from the other person. While it is wonderful to discover mutual love, it is scary to not recognize someone you once knew so well. Thus, I prefer to never lose touch at all. I have never been perfect at it, so I am trying to improve. If we lost contact a while ago, please write to me. I promise that I'll write back...
“No matter how far you are, no matter how long it takes him[/her], through distance and time I'll be waiting.”
I write because that's all I can offer you at the moment. I can't give you a hug when you're feeling blue, nor a pat on the back when you make me proud, nor a playful punch when you make a joke... nor can I give your hand a gentle squeeze to comfort you, nor a live smile or laugh. My letter is the only physical thing carrying those across the ocean to you, so please accept it wholeheartedly.
Here's to wishing that no letter of mine will sit in a mailbox, collecting dust. Because waiting in vain, that's a whole different song...
“And if you have to walk a million miles, I'll wait a million days to see you smile. Distance and time, I'll be waiting.”
“Distance and time, I'll be waiting.”
