がんばりましょう！

As they say in Japan, tomorrow we “fight”. Some of my friends and I will be testing our Japanese language skills during a four hour test. Yeah, uh, we are really looking forward to it... sigh. Whereas they will be fighting in the Japanese sense (trying their best), I might literally be fighting the test. I'll explain...

One of my goals when arriving last July was to learn Japanese. I knew it was going to be hard, but a silly little part of me hoped that I would pick it up through osmosis. WRONG. Come on, Kelly... you know better than that! You're a nerd at heart, but you know that you didn't dance your way through school, so why should things change now?

I'm hopelessly optimistic sometimes, that's why. And I loved being able to take a break from studying, and I loved being able to explore other interests that had been pushed aside by the reading lists on my university syllabi. I had tasted freedom, and I loved it.

Yet, halfway through my time here, I realized that I was straying from the goal I had set. And more importantly, I felt (and still feel) that I was missing out on some important cultural aspects by not being able to speak Japanese. Therefore, I started being more diligent about studying, and it started to pay off when I could understand bits and pieces of people's conversations around me. Joy, joy, joy!

Around January, I realized that I was still lacking major motivation. I wasn't being consistent about studying. It didn't take me long to figure out what it was: like many others, I work well with deadlines. No, let me rephrase that... like many other procrastinators, I need deadlines to complete tasks. Nothing gets me working faster than eustress and the fear of failure. So, I decided that I would sign up for the JLPT (Japanese Language Proficiency Test) to motivate me to study. In March, I picked up the application and signed up for level 4. At last, I had found the motivation I needed!

When I first signed up for the test, I realized that I was way behind schedule for passing the test. Yet, the overly optimistic person in me pushed me to study, study and study. At around May, I looked at the material I had to cover, evaluated my free time and my studying habits, and realized that I had a very, very slim chance of passing. However, I kept on going... Why? Well, my main reason for signing up for the test (and paying the large test fee) was to motivate me to study. So if I stopped studying, because all odds were against me, then I would have defeated the purpose of signing up for the test in the first place...

At the beginning of June, the hopeless optimist in me still wanted to cram months of studying into one month. So I worked diligently for about two weeks, and halfway through the month, the realist in me took over. She kicked aside that little optimist. She realized that I had a semester of English lessons to conclude at schools, an itinerary to plan for my family's upcoming trip to Japan, and friends to start saying goodbye to (don't leaaaavvvveee!).

So for the last two weeks, I have been doing all of the above, but also taking care to review some of the things I've learned. After all, I don't want to spoil my progress thus far. And in the end, my goal for learning Japanese isn't about passing any darn test, it's about being able to communicate with people. And those deadlines will come up at the end of every conversation with a Japanese person; I guarantee it!

So I'm sorry to disappoint you, my little hopeless optimist, but just know that you do push me to work harder, and strive for things out my reach. You always have, and you always will. And in doing that, I achieve more than if I didn't believe at all.

As for tomorrow, I am stressing out a little. I hate going into tests unprepared, and I can't remember the last time I went into a test knowing that I wasn't going to pass. It's an alien, novel feeling and I don't like it. I'll have to remind myself of this feeling when my motivation tries to flee me in the future...

So there you have it, a general picture of my little love-hate relationship with studying Japanese.

Good luck to all my amazing friends that have powered through and WILL pass tomorrow. Of course, Kelly the hopeless optimist believes in you, but Kelly the realist knows you will pass, too.　がんばりましょうね！And I apologize beforehand if I do start fighting my exam materials halfway through the exam...

お休みなさい.